Erase, Rewind
by Peregrine2
Summary: Cassie and Adam ruminate about what happens at the wake and what it means for them.


Erase, Rewind-Cassie/Adam, one shot, K

_Woke up and wished that I was dead_

_With an aching in my head_

_I lay motionless in bed_

_The night is here and the day is gone_

_And the world spins madly on_

_World Spins Madly On, Lyrics by The Weepies_

[C]

In these dark days, music became my solace. I pulled out some of my mother's favorites and put them on repeat. A common theme emerged, and it wasn't a happy message. But then, I wasn't even close to fine, so it was perfect.

After my slip with Adam, he avoided me like the plague, and who could blame him? Melissa was his new best friend, and they were joined at the hip. Diana stayed far away from me, as if breathing the same air would taint her beyond hope, and Chamberlake steamed up the windows every night (I could set my clock by it).

I felt like a ghost wandering the halls at school, doing the bare minimum to get by and hardly caring that my grades were in the toilet. My former honors status was history, and I was the girl that time forgot.

Social Services came sniffing around, and my Dad sent them packing. Every so often, I saw that a tiny part of him still cared, and I dined on that tidbit for days. As if that could make it better, when I knew it would never be OK again.

* * *

The days that followed held surprises in the form of rare visitors, my Blake cousins from the UK. Stacy and Samantha were the Mutt and Jeff of the witch world, one tall and angular, the other short and curvy like me. She even shared my coloring and bore a striking resemblance to my mother. I put them up in the big front rooms, and they cooked and cleaned up a storm. There was nothing forced about their cheerful personalities, and the cloud of doom slowly lifted from my head. "Can you stay?" I asked, hoping they'd take me away with them when they returned to their home in Wallingford.

"For as long as you need us," Sam said, patting my shoulder just like my mother always had.

What if I needed them forever? What if I couldn't let go? Because everything I cared about had been stripped away from me, and I was starting to think I would never feel anything real again.

They did not get on with my father, and he thankfully avoided the house during their extended visit. They were fun where my Dad was dour, and they taught me spellcraft and made it enjoyable. Some of it was bound up in cooking, and my skills improved dramatically in the kitchen. There was something so comforting about baking, and it kept me close to my grandmother.

"You're quite the chef," Stacy commented one night after inhaling my pumpkin risotto.

"Just like Jane," Sam added as she held up her wine glass in silent salute.

Light slowly flickered at my core, and grew larger each day, pushing the pain and misery aside as the business of getting on with life returned. I had these ladies to thank for this, and I knew I could never repay their kindness.

* * *

[A]

I am appalled that it took a wake to start healing the wounds between me and Cassie. She wandered around like a lost child, and my heart broke to see her withdrawing even more than she already had. Something compelled me to seek her out upstairs, to try bridging the growing distance that separated us.

But then she took me by surprise and kissed me, unthinking in her pain and only reaching for the nearest warm body. And I was equally shocked that I kissed her back, hands reaching to cup her face and not to ward her off. Then Blackwell's impeccable timing saved the day, and broke up a potentially awkward and messy situation.

Through that whole day, it was all I could think about, and it was driving me insane. I wasn't supposed to have feelings, or be attracted to her, because that path led to death and destruction. But I couldn't help myself, for it seemed that alcohol dampened the effects of the elixir and I recalled far more than I had since I drank Blackwell's potion. "Damn," I said under my breath, especially when Melissa kept poking at the subject, making me wish I'd never brought it up.

The stuff she said was exactly what had gone through my mind, not that I'd ever admit that to her. There are some things I'd never tell anyone, not even the girl who was fast becoming my closest friend. We'd both lost something dear to us, and that bound us like nothing else could. Our shared pain and commiseration was all I had to look forward to, because there was no joy from Cassie's corner.

Her relatives arrived, and it was like none of us existed anymore. They brought her to school and were there to retrieve her, and she spent all her free time cooking. I knew what she was doing, and couldn't take that away from her. Diana continued to make unkind comments about her Blackwell heritage, and one night she pushed it too far. I let loose on her and told her to stop cutting Cassie down. Nobody deserved the censure she was piling on Cassie's head, and I was growing rapidly tired of Diana's mind games.

She'd resumed control of the Circle, and because Cassie wasn't around to protest, we let her take up the mantle of responsibility. It was a role she excelled at, but her Pollyanna attitude might very well get us killed. I told her as much one night after the others had gone, and her dark eyes teared up without warning. "I thought you of all people would stand by me, Adam," she accused.

"Only when you're right, and you're wrong about Cassie."

"And you're such an expert because you slept with her?"

I sighed. "That's not fair. I took the time to know her, and that's more than I can say for the rest of you. Have any of you approached her and asked if she's OK?"

Diana shrugged like she didn't give a damn. "She's blown us off continuously since Jane died."

Diana not only had a loving father, she still had her grandparents. Cassie had nothing, because having someone like Blackwell as a parent was less than nothing. So the arrival of her cousins had been a mixed blessing, and I could see how it was helping her.

One night they came into the Boathouse and invited me and Melissa to dinner. Cassie was cooking, and we'd be her honored guests.

"Is Blackwell invited?"

The taller woman grimaced. "We've warded the house against him."

Melissa giggled. "We'll definitely be there."

The shorter woman reminded me of Cassie, and had the same gentle nature. "Do you also know a Sally?"

I nodded. "I'll give her a call. Anyone else?"

"Maybe your father could use a night off?"

I looked behind the counter. "Probably. I'll ask him. Thanks."

* * *

[C]

Stacy told me to make enough food for seven people. My overnight vegetable lasagna ought to do the trick, and nobody had to know it was low fat. It came out of one of my Grandma's diet cookbooks, and its well thumbed pages told me it was a favorite of hers. She'd even scribbled in the Weight Watchers point value and that little reminder made me tear up as I shredded zucchini in the food processor. Sam helped me prepare an elaborate tossed salad with organic field greens and all manner of exotic vegetables. We sprinkled goat cheese and dried cranberries on top and prepared a raspberry vinaigrette. For dessert, I pulled out a pumpkin cheesecake recipe that was to die for, and my mouth watered as it baked in the wall oven.

It was a Saturday, and I'd spent most of the day cooking and fussing over table arrangements. Perhaps it was my new calling, or maybe it was just therapy. Either way, I enjoyed it and doing something with my hands made me forget my grief, if only for a moment at a time.

Around 7, I heard cars drive up and peeked out through the living room curtains. To my amazement, Adam, Melissa, and Ethan were coming up the walk, followed by Sally at a trot. The doorbell rang and I let Stacy get it. I wasn't quite sure what to think about Adam being here, especially after what I'd done at the wake, so I tried to relax and focus my mind on the dinner at hand.

Freshly baked bread sent up a delectable aroma, and it drew my friends to the kitchen like a magnet. They all smiled at me, though Adam's seemed more forced than the others. "Hey, this is a surprise," I said, handing over a bread knife and plate to Adam. The others started bringing food to the oversized dining room sideboard, and I brought in the lasagna from where it'd been cooling.

Sam offered a pagan blessing, and we all joined hands. Adam sat on my right, and he curled his fingers around mine. I sighed at the instant zap I felt, wondering how something so vital could be one-sided. He looked confused, but said nothing but the usual praise over the wonderful food. Ethan was equally effusive, and seemed to appreciate being the guest for a change.

Sally and I talked about the latest movies and books we wanted to check out, and I mentioned something about the Garbage concert in Seattle that was coming up fast. Adam smiled slightly as I talked about their latest album and how they were handling things without label support. "Didn't know you were a fan," he said with mild surprise.

There were a lot of things Adam didn't know about me. I know he got me on one level, but there was a whole other side of me that I'd buried when I came here. Now it was starting to come out, and I was glad for that.

* * *

[A]

Cassie continued to surprise me, from the marvelous meal she prepared for us to her revelations about music, books, and movies. I realized that her statement at the wake had been right: we only knew Cassie the witch with dark magic, the spawn of Blackwell (not my words).

We all helped clean up and then kicked back for dessert and coffee. I really liked Cassie's cousins, and could see bits of Cassie and Jane in both of them. Though they were distantly related, there was a common element in the Blake women. They were smart, tough, and strong, and I admired all of them. I'd also seen Cassie's fragile side during the wake, and I know she regretted her actions.

I still wasn't sure what had happened, or what my part was supposed to be. Supportive friend was fine, but how far did it go? It made me feel powerless and my frustration was killing me inside. At some point, my memories trickled back, bombarding me like flashbulbs at a press event until I couldn't think straight. Strangely, my old nervousness was long gone, and for that I was grateful. The stammering guy with sweaty palms was pushed to the back of the closet and this more confident me was emerging as if from a long sleep.

And then there was Cassie. I was not at all sure she'd forgotten anything. Those occasional looks I caught before she turned away, filled with something I dared not define. Only at some level, I _knew _it hadn't worked on her. It explained the way she avoided me and barely made eye contact, and it explained the kiss at the wake. Because she'd forgotten the roles we were supposed to play and given in to pure, raw emotion, and I'd almost let myself give in. Had Blackwell not showed up like the bad penny he was, I'm pretty sure I would have lost control of my feelings.

It couldn't happen again, for the Circle's sake. And maybe for our sakes too. Because I was convinced that destiny had completely fucked my Dad's circle, and I wouldn't let it happen again. If that meant keeping Cassie at arm's length, then I'd do what I had to.

* * *

[C]

_Yes, I said it's fine before_

_I don't think so no more_

_I said it's fine before_

_I've changed my mind_

_I take it back_

_Erase, Rewind-Lyrics by The Cardigans_

Sally left with Melissa, leaving Adam to finish drying dishes. It gave us something to do, and it filled the time between awkward silences. Finally I said, "I don't like what's happened to us."

Adam's beautiful eyes widened slightly. "What do you mean?"

I wanted to reassure him. "We should work on being friends."

His brows raised slightly. "Isn't that what we are, Cassie?"

I put away some silverware. "I'm not sure _what _we are anymore. I used to think it was easy...talking to you, but now I'm afraid I'll say or do the wrong thing."

Adam looked immensely relieved. "That's how I feel too. It's so..."

"_Random_?" I watched his face carefully and swore that his lips quivered with amusement.

"Umm, sure." He looked at the wall clock and added, "I should get going. Early day tomorrow opening up the Boathouse."

I nodded. "Let me walk out with you."

Adam looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. "Thanks. This was great, Cassie. Maybe we can do it again on my end, and invite the whole Circle."

Now _that _felt like a mental slap in the face. Before I could stop myself, I said, "This _wasn't _my idea, and I'm sorry if it was weird for you."

His face fell, and then I knew he hadn't meant to admonish me. "It _wasn't-_-not at all. And I only meant that you need to mend fences with Diana."

Diana, the half sister who disavowed any connection to me. God forbid if she showed any compassion. "You're right."

Adam got into his truck and rolled down the window for a moment. "Cassie, maybe we can start over."

I don't think the _we _referred to him and me. "Erase, rewind," I said softly.

"What?"

I hummed the old Cardigans song before finishing off with, "Nothing. Good night, Adam."

Adam cocked his head slightly, lips curling into a half smile that made me smile back. For a moment, something passed between us and he looked at me in wonder. Then he put the truck in gear and said, "See you around," before backing down the driveway and driving off.

But you couldn't put the genie back in the bottle, and indifference could only last so long. I could play this waiting game as long as I had to, because destiny always wins out in the end.

The End


End file.
